Masculine versus Feminine

 

OMELETS, PRINCE OF DANES (AND    OTHER  OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNES)

Sandy Taylor

Sandy has given her permission to help myself to her Omelets. It's a winner in my book.  Enjoy!

 

When  I first moved to Chile, I had to be very careful when I pronounced my street--Las Penas (the cliffs).  It might come out sounding like I lived on "the pines", "the pineapples" or a specific part of the male anatomy (plural no less). 

I must take umbrage at the gender issue.   Why are garbage, war, pestilence and plague all feminine?  So are hemorrhoids, warts and filth.  Any reasonable person would have to admit that this isn't fair.  Don't try to ply me with flowers, just because they're feminine.  I'm too angry to care.  Yes, anger is feminine.  Is it any wonder? 

Dogs and cats are masculine.  Snakes, cockroaches, spiders, ants and rats are feminine.  They'd never get away with this in the U.S.  Birds are masculine, and we all know what they can do to the hood of a car.  It seems only right that pigs, monkeys and donkeys are masculine.  It doesn't matter whether the chicken or the egg came first, because they're both male (except, one presumes, for the female which laid the egg).  For that matter, even gender is masculine (el masculino and el feminino).  

Sunshine is masculine, but shadows are feminine.  Even rainbows are masculine.  Give me a break!  Women are held responsible for bad weather--snow, rain, fog and thunderstorms--but we can blame the resulting accidents on men.   Wind is masculine (now there's a real surprise). Is it any wonder that anxiety and death are feminine? 

Most rooms in the house are feminine.  A notable exception--you guessed it--the bathroom.  The bathtub is feminine, but the sink and toilet are masculine.  The body part most closely associated with the toilet is also masculine.  Some things do make sense.  Our mouths are feminine, but so are whiskers.  See him standing in his manly socks at his manly sink shaving those pesky feminine whiskers down his masculine drain.  Oops!  He'd better be careful!  His razor is feminine.  

We must be careful, ladies.  You may not realize it, but your brassiere is masculine, so watch what you say in its presence.  So is your purse.  Shh! You can't even whisper in front of them, because whispers are masculine.  That doesn't seem right.  Zippers are masculine, too. Incredibly, dirt and rocks are feminine, but diamonds are masculine. No wonder nightmares are feminine. 

Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are feminine.  Pride and profanity are masculine.  Danger is masculine; safety is feminine.  Duty and honor are masculine; so are courage and fear.  Blame and apology are feminine, as are faith and fidelity (of course).  The church is feminine and the circus is masculine.  Women own laughter (and have much to laugh about) and men have tears.  Success and failure are masculine; strength and weakness are feminine.  Shouts and even kisses are masculine.  Prejudice is masculine; vanity is feminine.   

The worst outrage of all is the word for "Handcuffs" --esposas.  Yep, that's the same word as wife.  Watch it boys, revolvers may be masculine, but shotguns are feminine and so are bullets. 

Who makes up this stuff?